It’s OU-Texas week, which means some of you degenerates are probably wondering about this year’s weird, nasty-ass food options you’ll have the option of devouring before and after the Oklahoma Sooners play the Texas Longhorns. In 2017, the State Fair of Texas served up the likes of the Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger, the Tamale Donut and something called The Fat Smooth, which... actually, I’m just gonna keep my thoughts to myself on this one. That name sounds gross. Let’s leave it at that.
One food item, however, is a staple, nay, AN INSTITUTION, and that is the Fletcher’s Corny Dog. It’s the hangover cure — or part of that equation — that dreams are made of, and it never lets you down. Having said that, I’m here today to focus on the new, one-year-only kind of stuff. We’ve had some duds in the past — *cough* fried ribs *cough* — that have sort of turned me off of trying these kinds of things, but I’ll occasionally venture over to a stand to try something thing out of simple curiosity/stupidity. Sometimes, whatever they’re going for actually works. I tried a funnel cake margarita (literally just a margarita with a funnel cake in it) and it turned out to be divine. I once tried the fried biscuits & gravy, and that one was an obvious slam dunk. There are a few on this list that have potential, while others appear to be straight booty. Some aren’t even food, but that’s okay.
CORN DOG ALE
Description: Corn dog ale is an amber ale brewed with a blend of Pale 2-Row barleys, caramel malt, and smoked malt. We add a proprietary blend of eight herbs and spices to the brew kettle. The combination of subtle smokiness and spices evoke the flavor and aroma of a classic, delicious corn dog. The flavor experience is only complete when the beer is served with the traditional condiment – yellow mustard!
Yup, you interpreted that correctly — you have the option of yellow mustard on the rim of the glass. The appeal of this beverage will likely depend on the strength of the flavor and aroma, but I think I’m actually going to try this. I’m down with ambers, so it probably won’t suck as long the corn dog element isn’t overpowering. The mustard on the glass? Ehh... it probably works, honestly.
Appeal Grade: B+
FRIED CUP OF CORN “ELOTES”
Description: What happens when traditional elotes meets sweet southern corn in a flaky pastry? You get a creamy texture of blended seasonings and Mexican cheeses with a unique State Fair twist that’s sure to please. We spoon our elotes corn blend into a flaky pastry and fry it to a golden perfection. To make the union complete, it is embellished with Mexican cheeses and served with a side of delectable creamy corn dip. The combination will leave you with a modern taste of an authentic Mexican dish.
I don’t know how experienced you are with balls of fried corn, but if you’ve ever tried the corn nuggets from Chicken Express, this probably sounds pretty damn good. The difference, however, is that this is filled with cheesy corn instead of creamed corn, so this seems like an upgrade.
Appeal Grade: A-
SUPRA STUFFED MINI SOPAPILLAS
Description: Three mini sopapillas are injected with strawberry cream cheese filling. The dish is scrumptiously dusted with cinnamon and sugar and drizzled with honey for a sweet finish.
There is a 0% chance that I’ll be in the mood for this, but there’s also a 0% chance that this isn’t delicious.
Appeal Grade: B-
KOOL-AID® PICKLE-DILLY SANGRIA
Description: This refreshing beverage is a perfect marriage of sweet, savory, and fun. Our pickle juice Kool-Aid® Sangria is a delicious combination of sweet and salty with a fruity back-bone. We take our pickle juice recipe and infuse it with a Fruit Punch-flavored Kool-Aid® and allow them to mingle and combine to create a one-of-a-kind adult beverage. Laced with ripe pineapple, cherries, and blueberries, our Southern-inspired sangria puts a spin on this European classic and brings it home to Texas. When the flavors are just right, we add a crisp white wine and top it off with lemon-lime soda. The result is garnished with our crown jewel, a Kool-Aid® pickle spear infused with a tart and sweet flavor combination creating a beautiful ruby-red color.
Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here, but I’m going to start this off with the disclaimer that I’m not a big fan of pickles. However, people swear by pickle juice as an effective hangover remedy, so it has my attention. People also swear by dipping their pickles in Kool-Aid powder. That sounded dirty when I typed it, and I’m not sure why my mind went there, but the pickle/Kool-Aid thing is yet another selling point for a large chunk of fairgoers. I will say that I’m not entirely sure about combining the white wine and lemon-lime soda with the pickle juice. I’m just not sure if that’s going to work.
Appeal Grade: C
KING CRISPY COCONUT CRAB SLIDERS
Description: Whole softshell crabs are dipped in our homemade coconut batter and fried until perfectly golden. This crispy coconut creation is then perched on a King’s Hawaiian bun. Thus enthroned, our kingly crustacean is dressed in a dollop of creamy Asian slaw (with a hint of wasabi). A top bun and frilly toothpick crown each slider. Each dish is served with fried plantains, spicy Asian mustard, and sweet/sour sauce for dipping!
You had me at “softshell crabs”. You had me again at “King’s Hawaiian bun”. You had me a third time at “fried plantains”.
Appeal Grade: A
TEXAS THAI DELIGHT
Description: Yummy sticky rice is infused with a coconut milk mixture and layered with mangos and more coconut deliciousness. It is then rolled in batter and deep-fried for the perfect crunch. The delightful dish is served on a stick with a side of in-house sweet sauce.
I can do fried coconut batter (see above) and I can do coconut milk, but you lost me at “more coconut deliciousness”. I think we’re very far apart on this, Fair.
Appeal Grade: C-
ORANGE JULIA’S BEERMOSA
Description: Get ready to flash back to your childhood ice cream truck days. Orange Julia’s Beermosa starts with champagne that is flavored with orange Pixy Stix, Blue Moon® beer, and the perfect amount of vanilla ice cream to smooth it all together. Served in a Pixy Stix®-rimmed cup with a large Pixy Stix plastic straw, this creamy frozen cocktail will awaken your inner child taste buds with memories of Push-Up® pops and Creamsicle® bars.
“Orange Julia’s Beermosa starts with champagne...”
“...that is favored with orange Pixy Stix,”
“...Blue Moon Beer,...”
This is getting weird, but keep going...
“...and the perfect amount of vanilla ice cream”
┃┃╱╲ in this
▔▏┗┛▕▔ do not
mix booze with ice cream
This sort of thing ain’t my bag, baby. Also, combining beer and champagne with ice cream is a recipe for acid reflux, and that’s a dangerous game to play.
Appeal Grade: F
PICO FRITO (DEEP FRIED PICO DE GALLO)
Description: A zesty medley of tomatoes, cilantro, onions, and jalapenos are folded into an egg wrap paper and deep fried until crispy and golden. Each dish is served with a side of savory cilantro sauce.
Get out of here, weirdo.
Appeal Grade: F
SOUTHERN FRIED CHICKEN NACHOS
Description: What’s better than fried chicken and nachos? Fried chicken nachos! A smooth blend of cheese, Ro-tel® tomatoes, and pico de gallo covers our tortilla chips. They are then topped with our southern fried chicken tenders and garnished with fresh cilantro. Our take on two of America’s favorite foods is guaranteed to make your taste bud’s dance.
Um... seems fine?
Appeal Grade: B-
FROSTY’S FROZEN HOT CHOCOLATE
Description: Our recipe combines special Ghirardelli® cocoa mixed with milk and water, and ice blended till “frosty.” It is poured into a see-through plastic cup and topped with whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, and finished with a marshmallow and cherry garnish.
Eight-year-old me would’ve loved this. If your kids are being annoying, this’ll shut their yappers.
Appeal Grade: B-
Description: Bacon brittle is a glorious splendor of southern classics incepted from a family recipe for brittle. Thick cut applewood smoked bacon is flavored with a hint of bourbon to create a smoky, sweet and salty flavor with a soft crunchy texture from the brittle!
Candied bacon is the bomb. Chocolate-covered bacon is the bomb. This has to be the bomb.
Appeal Grade: B+
FRUITY DESSERT NACHOS
Description: This delightfully indulgent dessert starts with a bed of thin, crispy butter cookies, smothered in fresh strawberries, blueberries, and bananas. The treat is drizzled with a classic crème anglaise and rich, smooth Ghirardelli chocolate sauce and then topped with whipped cream. Your sweet tooth will thank you.
Appeal Grade: C-
FLETCHER’S CHEEZY PUP
Description: New to the Fletcher’s Corny Dogs lineup, the Cheezy Pup is American soft melting cheese on a stick, dipped in Fletcher’s famous batter and deep-fried fried to a golden brown. It’s Cheezy because the inside is all cheese and a Pup because it is smaller than their regular Corny Dogs.
Oh, this is happening! I don’t know if you’ve ever ventured over to Anchor Down in Oklahoma City, but they have this on their menu and it’s legit. Trust me, it’s far superior to any other variation of fried cheese. That “cheese pull” is going to be sexy AF.
Appeal Grade: A+
CHERISH ERBERT CHAMPAGNE
Description: A Pixy Stix® cherry sherbet champagne is sipped through a large Pixy Stix® straw with powdered candy around the rim. A champagne bubble burst with sweet and sour cherry flavor and just the right amount of vanilla ice cream perfectly smooths out this refreshing frozen cocktail. What could be lovelier than taking in the cool autumn breeze while sipping sweet cherry wine… so very fine.
See: Orange Julia’s Beermose
Appeal Grade: F