Happy Friday, party people! The NYE weekend is upon us, and the Sugar Bowl matchup vs. Auburn is only three days away. I’m leaving for New Orleans this morning and will be posting plenty of stuff on our social accounts (possibly a Facebook Live broadcast, as well?). No, I’m not going to post pictures of a beignet or something like that. Everything I document on social media (FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER!) is going to be at least somewhat interesting.
If you’re making the trip down to New Orleans, here are some things you shouldn’t do. Note: I’ll probably be making additions to this list throughout my trip since I seem to learn new lessons each time I go down there.
Don’t wear flip-flops or open-toed shoes on Bourbon Street
One of the first things you’ll notice while walking on Bourbon Street is that the pavement is sticky. You don’t know what’s touched that surface over the years, and you don’t want to know. Keep as much of a barrier as possible between the pavement and any of your skin.
Don’t request “Wagon Wheel” at the piano bar inside Pat O’Brien’s
I love me some Old Crow Medicine Show, but “Wagon Wheel” has worn out its welcome. For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it’s a very good song (partially written by Bob Dylan over 40 years ago and completed by OCMS in 2004) that has unfortunately become the “Free Bird” of the 21st century. If you feel like requesting it, go for it. Just know that people are going to hate you for it. It’s a fun song to sing at a frat house, but it needs to stay there from now on.
Don’t reply “Yeah, but it’ll cost you!” after being propositioned by a prostitute on the street corner
I once made this mistake and ended up bleeding from the eyebrow after being smacked in the head with a purse. Don’t do this. These women have had a rough day and don’t need any of your sarcasm.
Don’t interact with LSU fans
You are certain to run into some LSU fans on the way down to New Orleans and in New Orleans itself. Most SEC fans (and college football fans in general) are fun to be around, but LSU fans are a downright unpleasant bunch. Many of you know (or have heard stories) about how their fans treated OU fans before, during and after the Sugar Bowl 13 years ago. But here’s the thing – they aren’t much better in any other context. You aren’t going to have a good conversation about Les Miles or discuss the College Football Playoff. They’re just going to yell “TIGAH BAIT!” or something unintelligible. Don’t even bother with these people. Note: If Lamar Jackson does ‘em dirty on Saturday, feel free to let all of them hear about it.
Don’t aimlessly walk away from the French Quarter
There are parts of the New Orleans outside of the French Quarter that are pretty cool. However, there are also places that are downright dangerous, many of which are within close proximity to where you’ll be acting irresponsibly. Leaving New Orleans with shame or guilt is to be expected, but at least leave with your wallet and phone. Don’t get mugged, people!
Don’t eat boudin from a truck stop or forget to buy gas before the Atchafalaya Basin Bridge
If you’re driving to New Orleans from Oklahoma or Texas, you’ll eventually cross the Atchafalaya Basin Bridge, which is an 18.2-mile bridge located between Lafayette and Baton Rouge. Don’t be fooled by the fact that this bridge has two exits – they don’t have gas stations. If you make the mistake of eating boudin that came from a truck stop in south Louisiana and you feel a storm a-brewin’ on that bridge, you’ll probably end up buying new pants in Baton Rouge. This happened to a close acquaintance of mine, but you can avoid this catastrophe by heeding my advice. Note: Boudin is an outstanding snack. In fact, some of the best boudin actually comes from truck stops and roadside stands. I’m not here to bash boudin. I just think you should know the risks.
You can potentially die from number of things down there. You can be eaten by an alligator. You can be shot for insulting the music of Dr. John. You can die of dysentery after eating bad boudin purchased at a truck stop. All of these situations can be avoided if you have “street smarts”. So be safe out there, because we need as many OU fans as possible to make it to the game in one piece.
Because I’m a super nice guy, I’ve also added three things that you should do while in New Orleans.
Order a daiquiri from a drive-through
Louisiana has the best alcohol laws in America, which allow for drive-through daiquiri stands across the state. I’m not usually a huge fan of fruity or frozen drinks, but I always make an exception because they’re such a novelty. Also, they’re actually pretty potent most of the time. In fact, many of them contain 151, which has been known to get me into some trouble.
Eat a Lucky Dog or two
Have a case of the drunk munchies while at a bar on Bourbon Street? Walk outside, buy a dog for virtually nothing, eat it in 1.7 seconds and walk back inside. You now have the energy to commit more sins before the evening concludes.
Visit Frenchmen Street
If you’re in NOLA for more than a couple of nights, you may grow weary of the sh**show that is Bourbon Street. Frenchmen Street also provides an incredible and unique experience, but it also provides a nice change of pace. This is where you go if you’re a big fan of live music (and who isn’t?).